Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill

   thinks some people wake up and eat a massive bowl of stupid for breakfast everyday!

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison

   I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?

   I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humor and not be offended.

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.

   Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   wonders why people say "that sucks" for bad things; clearly they haven't had any experience that relates to the second word within quotes

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   wonders should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?