Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?

   What are the odds that Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch have another friendly 30 minute chat to talk about golfing and grandchildren?

   Man, there's a lot of people here suffering from advanced butt hurt. Do we need to call a whambulance for you?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.