Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   I am one beer away from another beer.

   HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   Shouldn't they be called salt and pepper shakees? I do all the work and they get all the credit. I'm the f*cking shaker!

   i find tinsel distracting

   My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit

   I don't need a "Plan B" because my "Plan A" is awesome.

   I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   My new life goal is to do something worthy of being on a commemorative plate while holding a commemorative plate.

   Sonny Corleone would still be alive today if he'd had a pike pass.

   All TVs should come with a brick to throw at it when the Wendy Williams show comes on

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.