Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man are like BLUETOOTH, he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away. And women are like WI-FI, she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

   I think Fruit Loops are just Gay Cheerio's.

   My roomate busted me masterbating in the shower, To play it off I said, I'll wash my d*ck as fast as I want too.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   If your child was pregnant at 16, why would you put them on a TV show? Isn't that kind of rewarding them for being a slut?

   You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   As of tommorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and tweak your boobs. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings> Boob Tweakage Settings and uncheck the Shenanigans box.

   Easy Bake Oven - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" B!tch, you need to hibernate.

   I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.

   It's illegal to text while driving, but apparently it's okay for the police to surf CopNET on the freeway at 70 MPH.

   A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

   Some girls date bad boys because they think they can 'fix them'. Stop it, he is not a broken car and you are not a mechanic.

   "Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. I told my aides to block access to "the FRIDGE", not "the BRIDGE."

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

   I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.

   Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…