Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.

   It is like we are always electing stupid people to be our president but I'm glad we are finally getting rid of Obama

   The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City... Trump better get out the hairspray.

   A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.

   It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   "Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."

   I told a lady in the elevator this morning that I think she drew her eyebrows on to high. She looked suprised.

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   ‎4th. of July celebrations should be cancelled due to the lack of any real Independence...

   A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.

   Gas is under $2 , Missy Elliot played the Super Bowl and Suge Knight just killed somebody again. The 90s are back!

   One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!

   How come KFC doesn't have any women say "I ate the bone"??

   Please stop inviting me to play CANDY CRUSH I'm type 2 Diabetic & I'm watching my sugar!!!

   How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.

   Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...

   If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   The worst place to be in the world is that place where you are not exactly sure of where you stand in someone's life and what you mean to them.