Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   Just want to wish everyone a happy new year!....in case you missed the million posts before this one saying the same thing.

   I tried to order plain Jello at a restaurant and it was fruitless.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.