Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.

   Someone needs to ask Hillary and Donald what they are planing to do about this growing and serious Clown Crisis?

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance