Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line