Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.

   U-Haul stocks are up today :)

   What a great day to be alive and an American on this day of Remberance and Honor of the Men and Women who answered the call of duty and the sacrifices they have made to keep us free., thank you and know this we will never forget, we will never surrender

   Things get back to normal tomorrow when Supermoon returns to work as mild mannered reporter Clark Moon.

   Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks.

   My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.

   The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.