Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...