Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   21 Minutes of battery life left. "That's enough time for me to finish what I am doing" 6 Minutes Later: Laptop Shuts Down "You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!"

   MTV is 30 today, which is the same age the '16 And Pregnant' girls will be when they first become grandmothers.

   My Born Again Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all morning........

   I don't LOL as much as I lead people to believe I do...

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but damn, sometimes it sure puts a smile on my face!

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life.

   Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

   Britain: The only nation that runs more efficiently through a world war than through a snow storm.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   relieved that even tho 230,000 government workers couldn't make it past the blizzard to work in DC this week, the country has somehow managed to continue as if nothing happened.

   just because I rock doesnt mean I'm made of stone

   Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   Dear Bed, I love you.

   I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   hates it when the doctor tells me I'm going to feel a slight sensation... *shudder*

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."