Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.

   Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.

   Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...

   People boycotting L.L.Bean because the owner gave money to a Trump PAC? Not going to hurt them much as they sell work boots.....

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

   Swallowing pride never choked anyone

   I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

   If my girlfriend f*cked liked she whines, I would be the luckiest guy ever.

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.