Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.

   there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?

   I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.

   The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the heck up". And now we wonder why so many kids feel like they need everything...

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it