Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

   Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it's just my cat food.

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

   I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.