Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Socialist: A person who wants everything you have except your job.

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   Those mattress commercials with the people fake sleeping without covers would be more believable with a lonely housewife getting jack hammered by the pool boy.

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing

   Hey Cougars, FYI: drunk h0rny guys will go home with anyone. You're actually not that special.

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   And the MVP of the Super Bowl is.........The electric company.

   So when do we invade Chechnya?

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.