Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Dear Wal-Mart! After 8 p.m. Please QUIT PUTTING the SLOWEST,OLDEST people behind the Speedy Check Out!

   Consider the social cohesion and dignity of the Japanese people in the face of unimaginable catastrophe. Contrast that with the behavior of Americans when faced with Black Friday.

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   Why is it you never see people checking in at the adult toy store?

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   People are being paid to protest Trump's election .... Heck .... He's not even President yet and he's already creating Jobs!!!!