Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes

   Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.

   Yup .... Sex with a 50 year old woman is pretty much the same as with a 20 year old with the exception that is has little chance of magically transforming into a child support payment.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.

   I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?lol

   If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...