Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.