Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   Irish I was drunk right now..

   God created stupid people to keep us smart ones amused.

   Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   I don't get why people pay $400 a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.

   Thanksgiving is a day when we pause to give thanks for the things we have.....MEMORIAL DAY is a day when we pause to give thanks to the people who fought for the things we have.

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

   They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   Why is it that people who need to borrow money can find you like Google Maps, but when the time comes to pay you back they disappear like Osama Bin Laden

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.