Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?

   I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.

   Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.

   I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.

   Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

   I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   hoping the death of Osama Bin Laden means I cen get on a plane without getting fondled by a TSA agent.

   I feel like celebrating by eating a good old american double cheeze burger, fries and a cold Budweiser to wash it down.