Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.

   "Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting

   The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

   Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.

   According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...

   What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?

   I didn't read the article but let me tell you what I think about the headline.

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   If you think you're having a bad day just remember, at least you're not receiving death threats by one of the world most powerful drug lord.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   More coffee, less people please.

   What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?

   Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

   I want my tombstone to read "I have finally cured my addiction to oxygen""

   It's National Stomach Ache Day.

   You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.