Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you can't learn from your mistakes try doing them again

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   thinks that, that Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace"....I know from experience!!

   I wasn't always into peer pressure......My friends got me into it.

     The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people.

   I would like to publicly apologize to the Taco Bell lady for interrupting her texting session by trying to place an order. Also for trying to place the entire order for 1, at one time, because since she was texting is was hard to concentrate on what I was

   all for the "going green" thing, but she just can't bring herself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

   Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

   Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra. Now both arms are sore

   I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yes. You're a free man now."

   Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.

   when more people get silent electric cars pokemon go becomes a different game!

   They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

   I started a support group for men with erectile dysfuntion. It was a flop and nobody came.