Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now