Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

   Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!

   The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Now he really IS the artist formally known as Prince

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar