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   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   Asked the produce guy if I could try a grape. He said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   Girls are like strawberries, sometimes they’re at the grocery store.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.