Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked