Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   Heidi Montag says she's "not addicted" to plastic surgery. Much in the same way Amy Winehouse is merely a "crack aficionado".

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   Always remember that the choices you make may have serious repercussions. The regret I may feel later from the hot wings I eat earlier is a perfect example.

   Do not get me near any electronics or appliances.. apparently I turn on EVERYTHING !!!

   is experiencing fact that "having jalapenos once, will burn you twice."

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   Lost 9lbs in one day using a new diet, where I ran to the bathroom every 5 minutes for 24 hours. The stomach virus DVD workout will soon be out!

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.