Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   There's nothing louder than a guy who's losing at something.

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   There are no winners when corned beef and cabbage farts are involved.

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f themselves is PRICELESS...!

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   I'm sorry your internet boyfriend cheated on you. I hope your husband will dry your tears.

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   “I'm an adult! I can do whatever the hell I want.” No, not you married people. Sit back down. You're just being silly now.

   Halloween on Humpday......I like where this is going.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?