Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.