Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.