Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, the prisoner exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl was illegal. I guess we are going to have to send him back.

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   Why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me?

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.