Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.

   Brian Williams said the dress is gold and white because he was there when it was made.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

   I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?