Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me I need to grow up. I was speechless. Its really hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

   I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

   You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?

   I bet Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are pretty angry with Caitlyn for hogging all the attention.

   I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night especially because I walked there.

   There's no way to close your curtains without looking like your murdered everyone in your house.

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell's Kitchen 3. Breaking bad

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   Just when you thought this sh*thole couldn't sink any deeper...

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   Millennials look at Joe Biden like a rotary phone is running for President.