Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   You knew it was coming: Marvel has fallen to the Woke Mob, introduces trans superheroes.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.