Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.