Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   My brother took going to jail bad. He wouldn't eat, smeared feces on the wall, swore and spit at everyone. That's it, I'm never playing Monopoly with him again.

   Friend: You play any dangerous sports? Me: I sometimes disagree with my wife.

   My dangerous sport? Disagreeing with my wife.

   Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free

   In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.

   At this age my biggest fashion question or fashion rule is… Can I nap in it?

   It's not snowing!

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   Maybe we should start listening to the economists and business leaders, and not the guy who went bankrupt 6 times 😥

   ?elohssa ruoy tuo eta rehtomdnarg ruoy sa dettun reve uoy evaH ...gineoKyraG ekaf ,yeH

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.