Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching the Left melt down as they continue their downward spiral is awesome. 77 million voters isn’t a cult…but a bunch of voters dying their hair blue who scream on TikTok sure is.

   Wait. Tampon Tim is a man? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

   They outta line wit these school supply list. Why my son gotta bring 4 new tires?

   I'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   "Don't know what to tell you. He was just a quiet guy who kept to himself." -What my neighbors are say about me when it all goes wrong.

   If it was the other way around, I highly doubt one cat would take in 20 old ladies.

   It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my old prom dress.

   Santa said the illegals have been so bad this year that they were put on top of the ICE list

   Someone said we're a garage band. I replied, "Dad, you know very well that we rehearse in the carport."

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   It's been said that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn't one. But if you're explaining a joke to an idiot, then it's still a joke that the idiot didn't get.

   Can't wait for the next in the occasional series of idiocy from the pearl clutching asshole who can't get over his candidate losing the election.

   See? Anything you can do, we can do better.

   Good thing I don't work at a pizzeria. I'd be walkin' around wit' garlic knots in my pocket.

   I could blow up a balloon by myself (Haw! Haw!)

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.