Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PS. Saying it your face and doing it in person is the same thing, you redundant asshole.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   The USA holds the cards, Canucksters.

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   I WONDER HOW MANY VAMPIRES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY PEOPLE WHO BACKUP JUST USING THEIR MIRRORS.

   I'll gladly insult you to your face. Post your address pu$$y. (Watch... he won't. )

   My name is Gary Koenig and I'm the king of lame comedy!!!

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   Maybe we should start listening to the economists and business leaders, and not the guy who went bankrupt 6 times 😥

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved