Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There you go.

   Calling it the Philadelphia Zoo is redundant.

   See? The shrinking violet with the challenge wussied out. (No surprise. The sack of pus hasn't been out of mommy's basement in years.)

   This guy's family tree doesn't have enough branches.

   I'm Sychic and I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking I spelled psychic wrong.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   Ford CEO said at an investor conference last month, they're not going to build new plants in the States. Lie much? Needled*ck?

   Niqqers... Low Impulse Control

   You wanted cheaper eggs, and instead you got a 104% increase in the price of your electronics 😂

   You may not like my posts, but guess what??? I'm here to stay. So deal with it!

   Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Be sure to remind your wife to have all the cleaning and laundry done by this evening so she can enjoy her special day.

   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   So...why does Dairy Queen feel the need to turn my Blizzard upside down after all these years? I get it. You can stop doing it now.

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I changed my mind. F*ck Trump.

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.