Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.

   Today we're laughing at all the Veterans losing their benefits. GLORIOUS!

   got thrown out of a casino last night. apparently I must have completely misunderstood the crap table!

   Sleeping with a plus size woman is like riding a moped. Fun to ride, but you wouldn't want to seen on one.

   Now that someone vandalized my Tesla, I'm voting for Timpon, said no one.

   46% of R*publicans believe Hegseth should resign. 62% of Am*ricans believe the same thing. Because he's a f***ing moron like his boss.

   The TV show 'Hoarders' is ok and all but I liked it so much better when it was called 'Sanford and Son'.

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   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a bum for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   2023: Where pizza crusts are made from chicken, hamburgers are made from plants, and milk is made from nuts.

   Imagine that. A Canuck ragging the US on a US based platform using US technology.

   For vegetarians they have plant based beef, so do they have meat based fruit for meat eaters?

   microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

   When I was younger, Freddie Krueger was so freakin' scary. But he doesn't even come close to Dunning-Kruger.

   Bats are just Halloween butterflies. That's all.

   The 47th President is the best President of all time.