Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   People should have to pass a sense of humor test before they’re allowed on social media.

   Good morning, I saw your Biden yard sign, so I know you’ll buy whatever kind of crap I’m selling.

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."

   People are running away from Netflix and Disney by the millions. Go woke, go broke.

   There are only two genders, male and female. The rest are mental disorders.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   The only supply chain Biden won’t disrupt, the flow of drugs at our southern border.

   I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   Do you ever think for yourself? CNN viewer: “No, I have television for that.”

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   Dear leftists, you just spent the last two years fighting against the concept of body autonomy, take it down a notch.

   Hide inside your friend’s toothpaste tube to give them a mysterious minty fresh surprise.