Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: When your wife is sitting in her chair, scrolling through Tiktok, just ask her why the house has not been cleaned up yet and why she is sitting there, like a bum, doing nothing!

   Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   Whoppers all around for Martin Burger King Day.

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: Facebook.

   When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   I said, "Alexa, what do women want"? The thing hasn't shut up for seven days.

   We'll be back next week to sh*t on your country again 🤣

   Every drop of water on earth has been through multiple kidneys at this point.

   The Olympics should have a separate boxing event for transgenders. They can hop in the ring and trade "blows."

   If you sit down too much ,do you understand ?

   buttcheeks one word or do you have to separate them?

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me

   Today I asked SIRI to recommend an apple product I can afford. She replied Apple Juice.

   The economy is so bad right now, I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.