Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet

   I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   F*** friends with benefits, give me bedable arrangements.

   The stock market has LOST 5 trillion dollars in 3 weeks... Donald Trump is the ozempic of the economy." LOL Bill Maher

   Worst case of SFT (stroking for Trump) I've ever seen. It is hilarious though.

   When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   The next pro-Tr*mp Post is 100% written by a guy who's been inside a five-year-old.

   Tr*mps faith advisor says if you give her $1,000 you'll get 'supernatural blessings'. You people actually support and believe this sh*t. You like getting conned. And this? Is why we make fun of you.

   Those two douchbags have 19 children from 7 different women. Shut up with your Jesus bullsh*t.

   If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..