Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Local cover bands who think they're "it"... Drive 100 miles somewhere away from town and walk into any store or restaurant. I guarantee no one will recognize you.

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs aren't one of them.

   Omg r*t*rdlicans think the D*GE cuts are lowering their taxes! lmfaoooo

   Here's a pacifier for you. Don't forget to take it with you when you leave the country!

   It's so cold outside, I saw a guy in the ghetto pull his pants up.

   It's so hot around the barn that the barnyard pimp won't even come out and check on his little chicks.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Dat no funny I dontt get it I hit tumb down a lot becauthe I hav down sindroam

   a few more minutes mom

   I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

   Chewbacca's redneck cousin is Chewstobacco

   The meat at Taco Bell has been dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. So not only are they being festive, but they're also paying tribute to Melania's vag bwahahaha

   Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.

   Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

   The States used to be a respected, powerful nation. Now, you're being laughed at and mocked by the entire world. And the majority of your country. Comedians, talkshow hosts, everyone lol. You're all clown shoes. Weak, stupid and embarrassing.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   When I was a kid, before Facebook, I remember when taking the time out and having to stare at a wall was considered a punishment.

   Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   I’vr never met a closet EV driver

   Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.