Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   If you find yourself bored on a random day, just turn up to a random wedding and shout, "I still love you", and then wait for the drama to start.

   According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I'm a little high!

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that. What are they?"

   I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

   My boss calls me, "The computer". Not because of my technical skills but because I apparently go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   The only secure document in Washington DC seems to be the Epstein client list because dumdum is all over it.

   Excuse me while I exponentially click like on my posts that I steaI.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   Probably sitting at home in his mom's basement.

   Meteorologists said Kentucky offices were staffed and issuing alerts ahead of the severe weather in Pulaski and Laurel counties. Gov. Beshear confirmed that in a news conference on Saturday.

   Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.

   I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".