Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   You went from a friendly, respected, prosperous country to an aggressive, despised, bankrupt country in two months. Remember when everyone was defending Giuliani?? Look at him now. And look at your country. Sad and pitiful.

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

   Coolant means something else when it comes out of the engine lid when you've been driving for 30kms

   If you have enough leather watches, you can buckle them all together and make a belt, but that would be a waist of time.

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   And the destruction of your country continues as we're watching from the sidelines. - Mr Burns voice - "Excellent".

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Today is 2/366. This is a leap year, which means the earth gave you an extra day to make things how you want.

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!