Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"

   Did you know that 1 out of 3 F*GA supporters are as stupid as the other 2? 😂

   Meteorologists said Kentucky offices were staffed and issuing alerts ahead of the severe weather in Pulaski and Laurel counties. Gov. Beshear confirmed that in a news conference on Saturday.

   BREAKING: Ed the Zebra spotted in Sunrise, FL. Witnesses say he distracted the Panthers long enough for the Oilers to sneak in an OT winner. Sources confirm he’s now demanding a Stanley Cup ring.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   A cop asked if I'd had anything to drink, and I thought it would be amusing to do a little Sinatra for him. So I sang, "Beers. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." We laughed and gave each other a high five and now I'm in jail.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   The only secure document in Washington DC seems to be the Epstein client list because dumdum is all over it.

   Excuse me while I exponentially click like on my posts that I steaI.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   Probably sitting at home in his mom's basement.

   Ciabatta… Italian for stale bread

   Answering your cell phone when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitch-hiker.

   Q. How does a non-binary kill someone? A. They slash Them

   Your military is a joke now. Veterans who received the Purple Heart, now being denied death benefits by a draft dodger lol. At least we take care of our own.