Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got kicked out of a wedding reception for playing with the action figures on top of the cake.

   Economists are saying that there's a good chance that Trump can grow back the economy in the same way he grew back his ear.

   My new dentist moonlights as a proctologist. He gives out toothbrushes called Anal-B.

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   How do you politely tell a wannabe model on Instagram she is fat?

   Weekend Update on SNL literally skinned M^G^ nutcases alive tonight. So good 😂

   Maybe he'll be able to regrow the economy like he did his ear after the "assa**ination" attempt LMAO

   Baron (nice f*cking name lmfaooooo) looks like a creepier and rapeier version of Jack Skellington.

   The USA is Canada's taint 💩

   I just found out I have 100% body fat. That means I'm basically a can of Crisco. 😛

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from all women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   I just saw my shadow. That means six more weeks of salads. 🥗

   There's a group of all laughing about how tacky and ridiculous the Oval Office looks now. Look it up. It looks like a Spencer's Gifts. No surprise here though - it is the office to the tackiest, most ridiculous goof on the planet.

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.

   Uh, Canada made the offer, you ignorant dolt.

   LOVED Kid Rock's suit! Ordered one for Halloween. Going as trans drag queen whose wanted gender reassignment surgery but keep getting turned down because I'm already missing testicles and my junk is so minuscule it could be inverted by a greasy Q-Tip 📏