Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.

   Itss so cold outside my finngers are so numb rightt now I could barely tftppye

   There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

   Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”

   Tens of thousands of Veterans and Government workers who are out of a well earned pension as they find themselves forced out of a job. But he's a hero because he's assisting in a quick rocket trip to the space station? Keep sucking Elons c*** and balls.

   Tesla lost about $38.2 BILLION in market capitalization today. Happy Tuesday, y'all!

   People who stroke themselves to Donald Trump every day and brag because he won, don't realize that they have lost so much. They're going to realize it soon enough. I laugh at them, and spit on their flag lolz

   Remember ladies, when the devil can’t reach you he sends you a broke man who is good in bed

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in the car like they've just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   OK, what genius decided to call them "Falsies" and not "Delusions of Glandular"?

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   You gotta love these women on Facebook that never ♥️ your posts because they're married. Meanwhile, their husbands are flirting with anything that has 2 holes and a heartbeat.

   Whatever…Reese’s Eggs are cheaper and taste better than real eggs anyway.

   This administration is going to be looked at as the worst administration in the history of the United States. The entire country is being laughed at, and it's become a complete embarrassment

   Trump won. 🏆

   Look at all the pitiful haters out there making gay jokes about me as though it were some sort of insult. I thought you supported gay rights? But now it's supposed to be a negative thing? LOL