Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

   well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever made.

   What with unwanted pregnancies, social diseases and failed relationships, the Love Boat reboot will be titled the "Tug" Boat.

   Marking myself safe from getting pierced in the heart by the little chubby kid going around with bow and arrow.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids Bloody Mary in a Styrofoam cup with a straw.

   There's no profit in healthy people.

   For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !

   You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

   Dear people who are praying for the California wildfires... it's not working.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   His billionaire circle-jerk buddy comes from South Africa. His hats come from China. His orders come from Moscow.

   Most m*g* men are attracted to children.

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .

   My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'

   Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.

   Found out today that my ex needs a liver transplant,I'm not worried though ,she hasn't rejected an organ in 40 years