Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven. . . If you're clumsy enough.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 70 degrees this winter.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   Did the phrase "Yolo" disappear, or did everyone who said it die?

   When your phone dies and you realize you're jealous

   Do you think songbirds get annoyed with hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

   If you're single and ready to mingle after Valentine's day but not really sure where to meet someone, check out the candy clearance isle.

   The reason it's called laSAGna, is because after you eat as much of it as I do, parts of your body being to "sag on ya."

   I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.

   In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want wait in line for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

   I wonder who is keeping Sunny D in business?

   The convicted R*pist won 🏆

   TDS is actually a mental disorder in some states

   We enjoy mocking you. A bunch of lemmings running headlong towards the cliff. The product of your idiot leaders dismantling education by creating a generation of complete and utter imbeciles.

   Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.

   Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women